Feeling Unsteady When Your World is Spinning…
Being a parent by far is the hardest job I have ever had. As a parent, we are challenged beyond our imagination on many different occasions. My kids are now young adults and overall are doing pretty darn good. They continue to be the most important human beings in my life. I relish and appreciate the time I get with them now that they live independently. However, the journey raising my children has been full of potholes, forks in the road, and lots of bumpy moments.
When your child has any sort of challenge or sadness, you want to rush in and make things all better. When they are small (and in your control), that is much easier to do. As they get older, more independent and pull away from you this becomes much trickier. And as parents, we will make mistakes – that is inevitable! I have had many things thrown at me as a parent along the way – health related issues, at times behavioral challenges, injuries, emotional outbursts; and I threw in a divorce, leaving their only home they knew and soon-after a new person in their life with children of his own. I don’t know any parents that have not had things “pop” up while raising their children. Parenthood makes us super-human at times and pushes us to the brink of insanity. I say this with humor but it truly is true. As parents, we are resilient, strong, have great intuition when it comes to these little humans, and we have unconditional love. Our kids will make our heart swell and at times break it. There is no other way for me to describe what parenthood does to a person.
One thing we can do as a parent is to tap into our resources. Find and foster a “team” that is supportive. If you don’t have family nearby, find a trusted person that you can call when you are in need. Lean on even professionals that come in and out of your child’s life. Consider a preschool teacher who may be willing to babysit on the side or a neighbor who has a mature teen that would love to earn extra money and pitch in and watch your child. Maybe consider hiring this teen while you are home doing something for yourself. Look at who is on your team. Are they supportive, energize you, bring calm to your world? These are the people you would benefit carving out more time with. The benefits of having a support system just improves your overall well-being. Feeling alone and on an island is lonely. I hear many parents say they don’t trust anyone with their children. That is a huge stressor on you as the parent. Spend more time with people you believe are a good support – watch how they interact with your child and how your child responds to them. The more time you spend with this person, the more likely you will feel comfortable asking for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
Another important thing as a parent is to accept your inability to be the “perfect” parent. That just does not exist and benefits no one. Of course, we all want to be perfect parents, but know this is not anybody’s reality. Social media and the appearance of the perfect family can make it super tough to not feel inadequate. Typically, people do not post the ugliness on social media of their personal lives. They don’t post the temper tantrums, the family fights, the dirty dishes, the incomplete homework, or the moments when you feel you are at the end of your rope. Keep that in mind! I love social media to keep up with family and friends and to enjoy the fun parts of our lives. It is a great way to keep an ongoing picture album of the memorable events. When my kids were growing up, I had volumes of photo albums that we could enjoy. We are now a digital world with our photo albums available for many to view. I would encourage you as a parent to keep this in perspective. Don’t look at the posts too deeply because you probably won’t see the day-to-day mundane moments.
Taking care of your needs is an important parenting tip to feel steady. I also have realized later in my children’s life how important it was for them to see this! I made sure I took care of myself and kept my world in balance. After my divorce, my friends were critical to my well-being. I also joined a sports team that provided me with exercise and lots of fun with friends. Initially it took a lot of effort to get someone to watch my kids and at that time my daughter had separation issues. I persevered and it ended up becoming such an important part of my life. I carved out the time for myself and in the end made me a calmer, happier mom. Taking care of your own needs gives you the energy, strength, and resilience to keep going. It is not selfish. You are at a higher risk for burnout if you do not take care of yourself. Consider the lessons you are teaching your children when you are taking care of your own needs. Don’t you want your kids to grow up with a sense of well-being and balance? I am sure the answer is yes. Take the time to make the time for YOU. Self-care is especially important when you are having a particular hard time. Ask yourself where do I need to take care of myself more? What do you do for fun? How do you relax and pamper yourself? Do you take the time for your physical health? Emotional health? Where do you find joy in your day? What is one action you can take this week to take care of yourself?